#179 - met a boy

love.

#144 - long since forgotten

We used to be great together. We had each other's back. Sharing adventures, pictures, laughs and tears. Updates monthly; nay, weekly! But that was a long time ago... You've probably since moved on to other more exciting, regularly updated blogs. I'm still here; still having thoughts, barely intelligible to post. Still wanting that connection to the vast expanse. Reaching out to the unknown reader that might connect to my maundering. If you are there, please know I'll do my best to come in at a reasonable hour and share my tales with you. We can cuddle up and pillow talk until the wee hours. Had a long day? Well, just relax, and know I'm back for you, baby.

#126 - i will 'i do'... just later.

I don't feel rushed. I don't feel panicked. I don't feel envious. I don't feel worried. I don't feel insecure. I don't feel old. I don't feel alone. I don't feel sad. I don't feel desperate. I don't feel anxious. I don't feel unwanted. I don't feel ugly. I don't feel crazy. I don't feel hopeless. I feel happy.

But I swear, if I have this conversation with one more person:

annoying: "So are you going to be here next semester?"

me: "No, I'm graduating actually!"

annoying: "Great! Are you married?"

me: "Nope"

annoying: "Do you have a man?"

me: "Nope"

annoying: "Well, better hurry up and get one!"

me: "hahah... yea."

I might feel like killing someone. I'm only 21, for pete's sake!

#124 - a brighter way to live

They are small, square, sticky and every glorious color you can imagine. Fond memories of elementary school prep; going to the store with my mom for the "back-to-school sales" and going down my 3rd grade check list to make sure I was ultra prepared for whatever Mrs. Smith could throw at me. The best part was coming home, dumping out all the bags and labeling "Vanessa Park" on everything with a black permanent marker. Loading up my backpack with all my clean, new, shiny supplies... I couldn't wait for the first day of school. I think, because it was so exciting and new, I have never lost my obsession and love of office supplies. Top on the list: Post-it Notes and Sharpies. I adore them. There have been multiple occasions when I have asked for those two items for birthday presents, which I can image, made my parents more than happy since they total a few bucks. I would post-it everything! Whenever I walk through the school bookstore, I stare longingly at the large, spiral stacks of bright, multi-colored post-it notes... wishing I had a few dollars to spare for an office supply splurge.

Then, I came across this video.

The perfect combination: Love and Post-it notes... a dream for me.

#99 - a tale of a hair

I once had my hair described to me as "leathery brown, like autumn leaves" or something along those lines. I've never dyed my hair; professionally or otherwise. There have been a few times that I have wanted to; I get all the way to the check-out counter with my drastic "darker brown" or "lighter brown" and then wuss out at the last second and switch to purchasing orbits gum. I've dyed other people's hair - - one roommate in particular; I helped dye her hair at least once a month, and I've died a few boys' hair. To return the favor, my virgin hair (un-colored, un-highlighted, un-permed and the like) is turning on me.

I think I remember my first gray hair in the 6th grade. It was a stressful semester for this little 11 year old. Pictures to color... friends to make... getting over the trauma of mistaking a girl for a boy my first week at a new school (she had masculine features and really short hair!). Ever since that year though, those gray ones have been out of control. I don't know if it's a vendetta, or they just want to enjoy the sunshine and air like the rest of my hair. I pluck them out as I find them, but sometimes one gets away and it's just as long as the rest of my hair. That lone grower remains until some 'nice' gentleman says, "Woah! What is that? Is that a gray hair? Sit still... I'm gonna get it." How embarrassing...

It is because of this, that my streak of all natural might be

squashed as soon as those unwanteds take over. I refuse to go gray until I'm good and ready (45 maybe? 50?). I'm going to either ease into the grays through dying less and less, or keep it going until I decide one day, that it's okay and dye my hair white or something. It's interesting - - even though I've never done anything to my hair, it likes to mix things up on it's own. I've been red (worst look ever!), auburn, dark/black almost, and the usual "leathery brown".

I guess I'm thinking more about hair today because today is the day I ventured out and am sporting the pigtails. I wasn't sure if that was allowed, so after a quick reassurance text to a male friend of mine asking, "Am I allowed to wear pig tails?" and his affirmative response and advice to just watch out for pedophiles, they were up and I was off.

*Thank you Irish Italian heritage... for my random reds and early grays*

#98 - dearest

Dear Gossipy Friends at the fitness desk,
Your failed relationship is surprisingly interesting to me. If you wouldn't mind, please talk a little louder so I can her what your ex-girlfriend did that was so terrible. Don't give up on dating all-together though, I'm sure there's someone less crazy out there for you.

Dear Sweaty Guy in the weight-room,
Just because you are wearing a shirt that is two sizes too small and you saw me look at you lift weights, does not mean that as soon as you are done, you should ask me for my number. I'm going to say no, because I already said no to one sweaty guy tonight and it does not make you more appealing. Try maybe finding me out side the cliché of the gym.

Dear Flirty Couple behind me,
Stop it. Just stop it. Go love on each other somewhere else and not directly behind me. You keep running into me. Focus and stop it.

Dear Rexburg Weather,
Please stop crying. It makes my bike seat all wet and thus, my pants when I sit on it. I do love the rain, but would appreciate more days when I can sit outside, bake, and read.

Dear Girl,
I wish oh I wish I could help you with your woes. Let me ponder more and if anything glorious or grandiose comes to mind, I will be by your side with loving advice.

Dear Boy,
You should probably step up. I'm a very nice girl and you might enjoy spending more time with me.

Dear My Last Senior Semester; Summer 2009,
Where did you go!? Why are you leaving so fast... don't give me to boot yet. Maybe linger a little longer so I can still find time to go camping in Yellowstone, take a trip to California, bond enough relationships so they will continue after I leave, and especially don't end before I can find a new job. Your cooperation is much appreciated.

Dear Olympia,
I miss you dearly. Maybe not certain unmentionable things, but most defiantly the warfy, fishy smell that drifts in in the middle of the night, the deliciousness downtown and two plus-somes just out of town, my flatwin hero, and your calming, understanding mistiness.

Dear Health Science Faculty,
You can stop asking me about my relationship status any time. It's always going to be the same answer: I'm not sure about things right now, but we'll see. I'll let you know.

Dear Taco Bell in my tummy,
You made me sick. Why did you do that?? I thought I was hungry and wanted you... big mistake. Owiee

Dear Family,
I can't wait to see you all in July (and the rest in August)! Thank you for supporting me and coming out for my graduation. Athough I am less excited to actually "walk", I am excited to see you and take happy pictures. Thank you thank you! And I love you.

Dear Brittany,
When will I see you again? Can you come to my graduation? I need more of your crazy to rub off on me - I'm still going strong, but I feel it fading. I miss your face!

#95 - fifteen lies

-I'm not afraid of moving to Boise
-When given the choice of any other beverage and tea, I choose tea
-My spaghetti tastes just like Mom's
-I'm working on being less bitter and cynical
-I can picture myself happily married and successful
-I'm counting down the days 'till graduation
-I haven't cried once this semester
-One day I will see the Beatles live in concert, and faint profusely
-I can eat whatever I want and won't gain weight
-I can get a guy I like to ask me out with out being blatantly obvious
-Pie and cookies are good for you
-I workout at the gym for 1 hour every single day
-I'm over it
-Something amazing and magical will happen to me this semester
-I never lie

#77 - an inspiration to us all

Right now I am in 'find-a-job-and-an-apartment-for-after-graduation' mode. It's an exciting mode to be in, especially the apartment part. I'm trying to find something I can afford (so, super cheap) but not creepy and gross. Getting a studio apartment seems very romantic and glamerous so I'm leaning more towards that. The job hunt is a little more nerve-racking but I have lots of support and networking helpers. I'm not nervous; I know I'll be taken care of. I was talking to one of my co-workers at the gym today though, telling her of my post-graduation plans. I told her that I am going to graduate from BYU-Idaho unmarried (how un-mormon of me!) and get my own place in the "real world". She told me how refreshing that was to hear and how I inspired her to get excited about her real-life (single) plans. In no way am I anti-marriage; just seminars here like: "Graduating and Still Single? Find Out What's Wrong With You." make me sad for those poor girls, thinking life is over if they have to be adults by themselves. Cheer up little ones! Be happy! You'll be okay - - you've just been programmed to think otherwise.

(Okay, so maybe the second half of that seminar title isn't completely accurate, but the first half was real and the second part is right along those lines...)

#59 - seredipiosity... serendipatiousness...

During my shifts each week, I have some 'regulars'; people I have met in the gym or see that always exercise while I'm working. I don't know most of their names, and as far as guys are concerned, I have no desire to pursue anything with anyone I, "met at the gym". I've had some less-than-positive experiences in that department... the testosterone filling the weight room makes some of these guys feel on top of the world and the questions of 'what's your number?' or 'can I take you out sometime?' are quick to follow. Keeping in mind that I'm not looking to date these guys, there is one in particular that I always see. I call him "The Chiseled" - for he is thus. One of the best looking, best built guys I see. I talk to him sometimes, but it's mostly just smiles and "hi"s. I was telling my friend a story about him last night at music outlet. After the performances, we left to hang out at her place with a few friends. We all got talking and one of my friends mentioned that she got asked out at the gym by this guy that was "not her type at all" so we decided to look him up on 'facebook' - the easiest way to stalk people invented. I glanced at his profile picture - then ask to see another one, just to be sure... it's The Chiseled! What are the odds? I thought the night's events were very serendipitous.

#47 - a need for a blog and the meaning of men

Research has shown that putting feelings into words helps ease the mind. It seems to me that we all already knew that. Poetry, lyrics, books, diaries; "when you put feelings into words, you are turning on the same regions in the brain that are involved in emotional self-control." So this almost gives rationalization for my middle-school behavior. Doodling a crushes' name over and over, writing poems about my feelings and blogging (vlogging) about my emotions and thoughts regulates distress. Putting feelings into words has been observed to affect the portion of the brain that dampens negative emotions. At the same time, there is a decrease is the part of the brain that processes feelings about relationships and emotions like fear, rage and aggression. So when I feel upset, it explains why I feel it necessary to make lists and write journals of my thoughts. Hence, a new outlet for me, blogging. I also love notebooks; I collect them (especially those moleskins. They are the perfect size). Sometimes I like them being so clean and perfect that I don't like to write in them... but that's just silly. I have a journal for my random thoughts, a spiritual journal for insights, a magazine I make monthly summarizing that month's activities, my regular blog, a music blog, and then there's the occasional random essay I write to get a lot of ideas and emotions out.

It's surprising how influential this movie was on me. "He's just not that into you" is brutally honest and I think they are right on. To make ourselves feel better, women come up with every excuse possible. "He probably hasn't called because he's at the gym" or "maybe he's taking a nap" or "maybe his phone died and he doesn't remember my number" or "maybe he wants to but is just nervous" are just the one's I've used. Face the facts... he's just not that into you. My favorite is the break up excuses: "You're perfect for me, I'm just not good enough for you." or "You didn't do anything wrong, I just am not ready to be committed to anyone right now, but I really really like you." If a guy really likes you, he'll make the effort and you'll know. Every other excuse is a cop-out. My cousin wrote an article for the church that I really liked that explains this a lot better than I can, but this is me agreeing. Sadly, I don't think that knowing all of this will change my behavior instantly. I am aware of what's going on now at least, but that won't stop me from being a girlie girl. Maybe eventually it will seep into me, consume me, become me.

Also, today I seem to be a cat with my whiskers cut off. I ran my hand into the kitchen counter twice and into a desk once. I cut the corner too close once today leaving my room and then again walking into class. I tripped over myself walking through Walmart and tripped over someone's bag going to sit at my desk in class. Where is my body and what is it doing? So, today I'm a little off, but hopefully that box of clearance Valentine's chocolates I just bought myself will help me get my sync back.

#46 - do I attract you?

After that previous bitter display, I thought I would send some real heart-felt valentines greetings. I went to the grocery store today and found love had exploded all over it! Mostly guys filling the isles, buying sweets and loves for their chickies. There is something very endearing about a man, awkwardly standing in an isle, bombarded with too many pink and red lacy things; trying to decide what will make his lady swoon. It makes you just want to look at them with your eyebrows squinched saying, "awww... that's so cute!".

And to all those of whom I love, "I love you!!" Happy Valentine's Day

#35 - can I have your number? can I have it?

Pet peeve: so it's just about closing time - 11:30 and a girl has been working out for about half an hour already, running on the treadmill. This young guy comes in and starts walking on a treadmill near her and begins small talk. Where are you from? Name? Major? etc... She politely answers and continues to run. First of all, it's hard to talk and run at the same time, so props to her for being so nice. He starts jogging and flirting up a storm. After about five minutes of that, he gets off, says it was nice to meet her and leaves. In no way do I approve of guys pretending to work out just to pick up girls. We know what you are doing and are not impressed. That, plus the fact that he was all small-talkie. I don't like when guys ask the generic questions on a date... I say, just be normal and have fun and all those little details will come out naturally in conversation. Don't be too overwhelmingly interested... if that makes sense. So this is what I do from 11:00 pm on - during the days I'm pretty busy with work stuff, but this late, I just listen in and judge the feeble pick-up attempts.