#130 - a wink

I now see the personality of inanimate objects. I watched this video the other day about the personality of New York City. It made me miss living on the east coast, but also, evidently, opened my imagination to the object faces around me. I was driving down the freeway this morning and was following a large white company van. The back of the van opened up with two doors and had two large windows above each handle. One of the windows was painted over in white to match the truck. It looked like it was winking at me. I smiled shyly, looked around to see if there could be anyone else the truck could be winking at, and then, winked back.

#129 - A.A.

I'm sitting outside right now at one of those internet cafes. It's about 95 degrees today and bake-able hott. There are two guys sitting next to me who I find rather entertaining. During breaks from finding jobs and organizing my resume... I listen in:

Hair: "So I went down to Jerry's yesterday and didn't drink"

Shades: "Yea I've been sober for 4 months now"

Hair: "It feels so good.... It's like, have I been doing something wrong before? It's a crazy feeling"

Shades: "Yea, It's nice just relaxing and and not having a pounding headache. It's just, quiet, you know when you're not hung over."

Hair: "It's great for work too. They ask you question after question and you gotta be able to think clearly. Focused. It's so much easier sober."

Shades: "My job requres me to wake up and be there at 9 am. Not drinking the night before... it's so much easier to function. Makes you not want to go back."

Hair: "It's so weird..."

Back to my job search and intermittent book reading. Glorious sunshine.

#128 - Enlow knows

Staring up at the sky, black as night.

The pinholes let the light in one at a time.

And I wonder why I'm leaving this place; everyone I know and love behind.

Everyone has to make it on their own, wondering if I can make it on my own.

Here on out, where ever I go, I will call my home.

With the sound out of sight, I climbed the hills and and the could of mist of water from the moat behind me waves goodbye.

I clear the crest, the rain turns into sunlight and I wonder why life is so allegorical.

Everyone has to make it on their own; wonder if I can make it on my own.

Here on out, where ever I go I will call my home.

We were so young and we didn't know what to want.

Now that I'm grown, I still don't know what to want, but I know I don't want to want anymore.

Stared up at the sky black as night,

The pinholes let the light through one at a time

I wonder why I've left my home, only to find my home.

Everyone has to make it on their own. Wonder if I can make it on my own.

Here on out, where ever I go, I will call my home.

I will call my home. Gonna make it on my own.

#127 - keep on keepin' on

Last Friday morning was officially my last day as a student and a resident of Rexburg. I left my binders behind and took off for Boise.

Graduation was a blast! My friends and family came, supporting me and taking loads of pictures so I could remember forever the day I officially am allowed to sign my name: Vanessa Park, B.S. (do people do that?). I attended an alumni dinner where I stood and was welcomed to the society that is badgered for money. Off to Commencement where I felt the camaraderie of hundreds of other graduates that are a little freaked out about their future plans. One more stop, at Convocation where I received an empty diploma case... they're double checking that I passed all my classes this last semester. It was loads of fun, as I'm sure you can tell from the pictures.

Loading up the car was a feat in itself, even with two cars - it looked nearly impossible. Snugly, we drove the 4 and a half hours and filled my tiny new apartment with bits of me to make it feel more... mine. Besides holding back tears when we first started moving in, I felt pretty good. I'm just not at all ready to live alone, be an adult, and be independent. I still want the love and company of friends and family, but sadly... they will all be gone tomorrow morning. Then the real adventure begins. Still searching for a job, but I feel good about the life I've imagined for myself here. Wish me luck and please send me adult thoughts and vibes.

#126 - i will 'i do'... just later.

I don't feel rushed. I don't feel panicked. I don't feel envious. I don't feel worried. I don't feel insecure. I don't feel old. I don't feel alone. I don't feel sad. I don't feel desperate. I don't feel anxious. I don't feel unwanted. I don't feel ugly. I don't feel crazy. I don't feel hopeless. I feel happy.

But I swear, if I have this conversation with one more person:

annoying: "So are you going to be here next semester?"

me: "No, I'm graduating actually!"

annoying: "Great! Are you married?"

me: "Nope"

annoying: "Do you have a man?"

me: "Nope"

annoying: "Well, better hurry up and get one!"

me: "hahah... yea."

I might feel like killing someone. I'm only 21, for pete's sake!

#125 - of shoes, of ships, of ceiling wax

I've never really ever had an interest. All I desired was one for fancy, one for too hot, one for snow, and the everyday. Maybe it's because I feel more womanly/feminine/adult, but I'm all of a sudden in love with shoes; especially high heels. The bright colors, the adorable styles and the way they make me feel. It's as if I've instantly transformed into, "Fancy-attractive-knows what she's doing-on a mission-confident-older-woman-lady" and I like it.

I stick to my favorite, tried and true, brands when it comes to the everyday comfortable/durable shoes. Fancy shoes though... those I can imagine having a lot of fun with!

For the everyday, I'm sticking with: Chuck Taylor's

and Vans:

But I'm loving the wide world of heels and pumps!

#124 - a brighter way to live

They are small, square, sticky and every glorious color you can imagine. Fond memories of elementary school prep; going to the store with my mom for the "back-to-school sales" and going down my 3rd grade check list to make sure I was ultra prepared for whatever Mrs. Smith could throw at me. The best part was coming home, dumping out all the bags and labeling "Vanessa Park" on everything with a black permanent marker. Loading up my backpack with all my clean, new, shiny supplies... I couldn't wait for the first day of school. I think, because it was so exciting and new, I have never lost my obsession and love of office supplies. Top on the list: Post-it Notes and Sharpies. I adore them. There have been multiple occasions when I have asked for those two items for birthday presents, which I can image, made my parents more than happy since they total a few bucks. I would post-it everything! Whenever I walk through the school bookstore, I stare longingly at the large, spiral stacks of bright, multi-colored post-it notes... wishing I had a few dollars to spare for an office supply splurge.

Then, I came across this video.

The perfect combination: Love and Post-it notes... a dream for me.

#123 - men are men

Doing drugs and drinking alcohol has never been of interest to me. I've never had to struggle with the decision to or not to drink. Except once, when a hot bass player asked if he could buy me a drink. And now, twice: I think it's a combination of the voice-over, sharply dressed classy men, the fact that they look like they are having such a good time, and the lighting. These men seem so suave and cool, and it makes me want to, first - be a man, and second - drink vodka. I won't... but still, this commercial gets major advertising props.

#122 - cartoon classics

I've been overwhelmingly disappointed as I have seen where Disney Channel and cartoons have gone. 99.99% of everything in those categories is now ridiculous, over-the-top, garbage with horrible acting. Growing up, I mainly stuck to: Smurfs, Captain Planet, Wishbone, Magic School Bus, Ninja Turtles, Reading Rainbow, Mr. Rogers and Tiny Toons. It's decided that any cartoons my children do watch, won't be on TV - they will be the "classic" cartoons found in my dvd collection. I'll probably throw in some Carebears or Gummybears too.

I LIKE IT...

I began thinking about this because this morning in my Microbiology class, we were discussing water treatment and purification processes. We walked through detailed descriptions of filtration systems and chemical additives to destroy harmful microbiotia. I understood the material easier than some other topics discussed because I remembered vividly an episode of the Magic School Bus I had seen as a child. Those educational programs really stay with you and I have to say, could be one of the first blocks in building an educated mind. School House Rock and other programming like that, I think, are completely beneficial and worth watching. This "Cheetah-Girls" nonsense needs to be swiftly and permanently eradicated.

Along with horrid new shows, the old happy shows have been transformed into creepy 3D animation. Sami and I had a planned relaxed Saturday morning a few weeks ago. We lazily woke up, sauntered into the living room where we had breakfast and watched morning cartoons. We saw on TV guide: Mickey Mouse's Playhouse, and expected our memories of Mickey Mouse cartoons to be before us. Instead, it was this bizarre new animation... very disconcerting and unwanted. We watched briefly to see if it would magically change back. When it didn't - we resorted to playing old school Mario World on her Nintendo.

IT'S WEIRD NOW...








It's like, the cool thing now is to make cartoon characters luminescent and bubbly...

#121 - shouting devotions

My bathroom has a voice. Every day, at different times during the day, her religious side breaks through and she sings hymns. I will come home and hear a mysterious noise. It is only after brief fear and investigation that I realize the radio in the bathroom started up again, playing a rendition of an uplifting song. I always feel a little bad going in and turning it off. I feel as though I'm killing the spirituality in there. "Hush, Bathroom! I don't want to hear about your religious devotions." It's a very sad time...

Today. Today was different. I got home after playing with a few lifelong friends and heard the bathroom singing again. I went down to turn the radio off when I heard something different. This was not gospel music...?! Those are the Shout Out Louds! One of my very favorite bands. I was so proud of my bathroom for playing such awesome music! Did she change her station from christian radio? How does she know just what to play to make my happy?! My bathroom and I have the same taste in music?! It was so exciting that I decided to leave the radio going. After my friends left, I went back to see if the next song this station played was just as awesome. I looked closely and saw the screen switch and say "Now Playing: Track 12"...

Yes, evidently we unknowingly switched it to be programed to play the CD automatically instead of the radio... it was a little disappointing to not have a musically supreme bathroom - but still exciting to know that at random times during the day, the Shout Out Louds will play in my house.

#120 - 40 gigs of disappointment

I made my very first Craigslist purchase today. I've been in the market for a new ipod since White One couldn't handle my capacity for music. I found one one being sold for 50% off - new and in great condition. We met on campus and made the exchange. It was an amazing deal; the kind that is impossible to pass up. I'm selling White One to Sami and now am very happy and content with New Black One. As a bonus, he left all his music and videos on the ipod (50 gigs worth). I only have 40 gigs, so this was a substantial increase. I was expecting most of it to be garbage, but surprisingly, a lot of our bands and music interests were the same. I was so excited and told him so in a purchase-follow-up-text. Having most people respond to his music choices with weird, confused faces, he was pleased that he had sold his ipod and music to a well deserving candidate. I combined his music with mine which took quite some time - followed by the slow and laborious job of going through and deleting duplicate songs. This turned out to be about every 5th song and took about an hour to get through "A" "B" and half of "C" titled songs. I was working my way though, steady and focused, when all of a sudden I tipped my computer weird and the ipod disconnected. When I plugged it back in, an error appeared on my screen that read, "Error in reading summary. Please restore ipod to factory settings. This will erase all.... bla bla bla..." Moral of the story - gone. All gone.

Sad and back to my normal music load, I am sitting in my car so that I can get Internet to "restore to factory settings". The part that makes me feel worse is that the whole time I was deleting duplicates, I was complaining at how long it was taking, and how my body was getting hot from having a laptop sit on it for so long. I was complaining how this guy had 6 copies of the exact same song... why? I was ungrateful for my bounty (which included a purchased copy of the new Star Trek movie... gone.) and because of my ingratitude... it was taken from me; suddenly and devastatingly. My music list, which I was just earlier today so satisfied with, now feels vacant. Where did all my new "the Who" albums go? Gone with the error...

So be grateful, All! For goodness sake, be grateful...

You know, maybe it's better this way. I didn't fight for that music, I didn't search for that music, I didn't anxiously await that music, I hadn't even listened to that music yet. It was not mine to lose... So goodbye Not-Mines. It was nice to have you, if only for a little while.

#119 - a sum of felts

Last week I watched the "Where the Wild Things Are" trailer, as well as the "500 days of Summer" trailer and loved all the music in them. Then I realized that I already had all those songs. I felt like the music champion.

This morning the gym was closed down because of a gas leak. I was still asked to come to work and walked right past the door guards into the building because I was wearing my staff shirt and said "Leon told me to come in". I felt like Secret Service.

When I was doing laundry, I walked into the laundry room down the hall to get the towels at the exact same time the buzzer went off. I felt like a super natural force drew me to the room at the precise time.

Today I sat in the hall next to the testing center. I was near six other students with pages of notes being feverishly studied, puzzled yet focused looks, and open text books. They looked so smart, prepping for tests. I was on my own bench, laptop in front of me, open microbiology text book on the bench next to me, ear phones in, glasses on, and hair in a frazzled pony tail. I looked just like them... but I was listening to the Smiths and reading blog updates. I felt devious.

While on campus doing homework, my laptop only had a few more minutes of battery life. Instead of closing my computer and charging it, I decided to speed walk home with it open in front of me and beat the battery-life countdown. I won, and my laptop knew it.

When I was walking home with my mac open in front of me, I took a picture of myself looking off into the distance, as if I didn't know it was taking a picture of me, right when a gust of wind blew. I felt like a glamorous movie star.

This afternoon I made a movie for my health methods class. I compiled the movie score and decided that I should be professionally recruited to find songs for movie soundtracks. I felt like an undiscovered talent.

Tonight I got a call from a co-worker, asking if I could cover her last few hours because she wasn't feeling well. I zoomed over to relieve her and felt like a super hero.

While at work, I discovered a new blog to add to my list and found it entirely too hilarious. After every post I would laugh out loud to my self. I looked around at the people exercising, and felt like I knew a special secret they would never know.

Tonight I enthusiastically nodded at the Body-nodder (the man who always comes to the gym and nods hello to me with the help of his entire body and a goofy grin). He calmly nodded back normally, which he has never done before. I felt like I beat him. He made up for it 30 minutes later with the body-nod. I found out I missed it.

#118 - the Park Family "hooray!"

I was walking home last night, around 10:30 from a friend's house who lives a few blocks away. As I walked up our hill, a car pulled into a driveway a few feet in front of me. Slowly rolling into the driveway, he put his car in park - the tail lights switched quickly from red to white to red - the engine slowed to silence and the bright headlights flicked off. The man stepped out of the car and entered his home. A quick rush of flashbacks flowed over me. That experience (of the car turning off) is probably one of the most exciting moments. I remembered waiting for visits from Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, and cousins and how exciting it was when you saw the lights switch into park and the engine slow. They were here!! How your heart starts beating extra fast and your legs get antsy when a beau, who was on his way over, pulls in. Again, you see his car come to a stop, lights, engine... he's here!! All of these experiences are quickly followed by cheering, running, jumping, and loving. I hope that man's family was just as excited to hear him come home. It's always a wonderful feeling to see the ones you love waiting for your arrival with anticipation, and to hear cheers of "yay!" when you're together again.

#117 - INDEPENDENCE

Ever since I was able to walk, I've been walking with my eye on a boy. I always preferred their company to that of females and tend to just get along with them better. The longest I've gone without a crush was probably 3 months once in my entire life. Other than that, there's always been someone, seriously since age 3 (possibly 2). Besides crushing on a boy, I've always surrounded myself with friends that are guys. During my time in New York, there were three in particular: Tom, Viktor and Trevor. Those boys, combined with my 2 best girl friends = the greatest time imagined. I've remained friends with them all through moves and missions and yesterday, I celebrated INDEPENDENCE with Tom (going on 12 years of being friends). I felt just like that girl from "Keeping the Faith", bouncing around Idaho Falls and Rexburg with my two boys, Tom and Nate. Arm-in-arm and hand-in-hand the whole day, we went to a concert, played in a splash park, hung out, and watched fireworks. Yes for freedom, yes for America, yes for being 21 in college in America, and yes for friends.

#116 - mac "the indispensable"

It's a camera:

For a while, before I upgraded to a camera that you can hold, I used my mac as my camera. Making friends sit in front of my computer for photo shoots and occasionally, having to actually pick up my computer and point it at different things to take a crucial picture. It was like having a really really really large, awkward to carry around open - photo ready - camera. It did the job, though, and gave me the quality and the here-and-now that I needed.

It's an ipod:

Unfortunately, under the current storage limits of my actual ipod, I have to pick and choose what music makes it and which have to wait for the next cycle. It is more often than not an impossible decision. My indecision usually leaves me music-less and sad, but the ability to have a computer that can hold all my 40+ gigs of music keeps me satisfied. 90% of the time I am home, my laptop is cycling through my playlists - - providing me with the much needed soundtrack to my life. Speakers do the job, plus some at filling my life with happy. If only there was a way to carry it around in my backpack and have my music still play. Like a really really really large awkward to carry around ipod.

It's a computer:

Self explanatory. Although I am surprisingly lacking on storage.

I am giving gratitude for the the joy I experience because I had two friends tell me devastating stories yesterday about their stolen macs. One friend was studying in the library for about an hour. He got up to go to the bathroom and when he came back, his mac was gone -- chord still in the wall. Horrible! My other friend left his in the library for a little longer than that, but same result. Stolen. So thank you for being with me still, Mac. And thank you evil ones, for not stealing mine. And to all those who do not share my same fortune... I am desperately, wholly, and fully sorry.

#115 - frowned upon

Over Memorial Day weekend, our kitchen received some company that has since well worn out its welcome. There is a daily massacre; a flood of Windex leaves hundreds of black ants struggling to survive, only to heave them in heaps of carnage. A few weeks ago, I had a bonding experience with one of the aforementioned ants. I had just finished windexing all of his friends to death, when one lonely solider caught my eye. He was crawling along the wall from the kitchen to the living room. Before smashing him to death, I took a closer look. He was making his way to safety, carrying the dead body of a fallen compadre. I sat on the stairs, unable to take my eyes away from this noble creature. Maybe it was devotion: his true love had fallen by the way of the toxins and he was carrying her away, to pay his respects and bury her live-less body. They had spent a life-time together; digging, scavenging for food, and looking out for each other -- waiting for a time when they could leave the hill and build a home of their own. Or perhaps a long time best friend -- defending their queen along side one another, warning each other of impending hazards and toxic odors. But one time, out on the hunt, his friend was just too slow and his leg got caught in a pool of window cleaner.

Whatever the reason and whatever the relationship these two had, I thought Little Ant's devotion should be recognized and supported. I took numerous pictures, all of which did not come out (Little Ant was too tiny), and finally helped the only way I knew how. I put these two on a piece of paper and carried them outside to the driveway so Little Ant could find an appropriate burial ground. Upon paper-release, they got separated. Little Ant, confused and lost, wandered in circles for a while before finally finding a course and headed, alone, friendless, loveless to the safety of the grass.

Fast forward to this morning. I was wiping up the remains of hundreds of more ants when again, crossing the sink counter was another noble wanderer, carrying the lifeless body of a fallen friend. I quickly called Sami down to look at this amazing feat, when she then proceeded to tell me that they do that all the time and he's just carrying the dead ant back to the house so they can eat him. EAT HIM! I was appalled! Can this be true?! He's not a noble or respectful hero at all?! He's a bloodthirsty cannibal!? And to think, I was led astray... lied to by Little Ant! I was encouraging him to EAT his less than lucky fellow ant. I was so disturbed -- I killed that cannibal carrier and with more force and hatred than I had all the rest.

If this is true: that ants carry and eat their fallen friends, then I want nothing to do with them ever again and now take much more pleasure in their utter destruction! Horrid little creatures...

#114 - inattentive something or other and the not-blog

I was going to blog about how earlier today I wasn't feeling well and thought it might have been because it was 3:00 and all I'd had to eat was a low fat yogurt, and apple, and a banana. That mixed with never enough water and meds this morning, I thought, made me feel ill. Turns out it was just work, because I just got back for the 9 to midnight shift and immediately the feeling came upon me again, after being absent while I was at play. But I felt too sick, so I didn't.

I was going to blog about the week that the celebrities died - - how it is everywhere now (everyone buying MJ's music, twitter whaling over with people talking about the devastation, it consuming the news and gossip shows, every news and media blog I follow posting something about it) but I thought that would just add to the already overwhelming talk and be counter-productive, so I didn't.

I was going to blog about my rebellious hypocritical feelings regarding having to work on a holiday weekend, especially when it's such glorious weather outside. In protest I am wearing carpi's and flip-flops to work (a cardinal no-no for the authorities of BYU-I), but still have to tell people coming to the gym that they have to be properly attired in the required gym uniforms to exercise. But that didn't interest me enough, so I didn't.

So this is me without thought and my not-blog.

#113 - ha! you think it's a Schwinn!

Walking 2 minutes. Running 40 minutes. Biking 20 minutes. Stretch. Run stairs (2,000). Arms. Legs. Abs. Stretch. Laps 30 minutes. Stretch.

This morning I am fully and wholly craving my workout today. Not that I have been eating unhealthily, because I've been doing pretty well. Truth is, I've missed a few days recently in my regular, "workout for an hour after my shift" routine. Some days, it is just what is done, others it is something I have to force myself into - - finding scraps of momentum to push off from. Today, however, is different. I'm excited... nay, can't wait. I always feel so good after I exercise. Happier, hotter, more energized and healthier. The thought of bouncing to my new, exciting music is also a definite scale tipper. So look for me: I'll be the one on the side, sweating, burning, singing, and dancing to my happiness in the gym.