#180 - what's that you say?

Vanessa (in the fetal position): "I just don't understand... bad things don't usually happen to me!"
Benjamin (comforting): "Apparently they do."

Driving in the car, on our way back from Pocatello, my ear popped. Just a normal pop from normal air pressure changes. That was Saturday, and as the day progressed, no matter what I did, I could not un-pop my hear.

*swallow swallow* *yawn yawn* *repeat*

I tried chewing gum, tried shaking my head, tried pulling on my ear... nothing would work. My right ear was decidedly popped and nothing would convince it otherwise. Finally, around 2 AM Sunday morning, as I was trying to fall asleep I turned to the trusty get-a-big-ball-of-air-in-your-mouth-plug-your-nose-close-your-mouth-and-blow method. This did the trick. *POP!!* My right ear made a loud crackle and, satisfied, I laid down to go to sleep. Approximately ten seconds later, the most excruciating pain was birthed inside my ear and spread through my forehead, down my eye, through my heck and into my jaw. It progressively got worse as the SECONDS rolled by. It felt as if someone stuck a needle inside my ear, into my brain, and was swirling it around. I had never before felt such pain. I grabbed my hear, curled up into a ball, began to cry, and started texting my boyfriend.

"I think something is wrong..."
"I'm in pain..."
"I might need to go to the doctor..."
"Where are you? Can you come over?... I need you..."
"I'm going to the ER. Downtown. St Lukes."

With no response and after pleading, repetitious, in-pain prayer, I headed to the ER. Driving myself was near impossible because of the pain. I checked myself in, laid on the hospital bed and waited to be diagnosed. With a quick look in both ears, the ER determined that I had severely ruptured my right ear drum. His response to my story of what I did was, "DON'T DO that. That's BAD!" ...good. to. know...

He gave me some heavy narcotic pain meds and ear drops to help prevent infection. The meds nocked me out so I slept for about an hour when I heard a frantic knock on the door. Boyfriend. He gave me a panicked hug, explaining that his phone was under his bead and he didn't hear any of my text messages. He was sick to his stomach when he woke up and received the previous stream of worry. He rushed over, going about 100 mph to be by my side. I started crying and the only words I could get out when I saw him was, "where were you?" He stayed by my side the whole Sunday: holding me, watching cartoons with me, putting in my ear drops while I laid on his lap, reminding me when it was time to take more medicine, making me delicious food and taking naps with me.

PART TWO:
That night I went to sleep and in the middle of the night, my left ear started in. The same excruciating pain spreading throughout my entire head, throbbing and stabbing. I took more pain meds and put drops in both ears and waited until I could call the family doctor's office. I went in about 10:00 AM and heard the news from him: BOTH ears had an infection; the right is still ruptured with an infection behind it and the left ear has a massive infection. I explained to him that the pain meds that I was currently on was doing something weird to me: I had trouble finding the right words for things, I felt foggy, had trouble focusing, and felt confused. "Oh. Don't worry, you're just high." He put me on an anti-biotic and sent me home. I was bed ridden that whole day with Boyfriend by my side. The days to follow, it felt as though I was underwater; unable to really hear anything and with shooting pains every time I sneezed, swallowed, yawned or blinked hard. Those around my, I'm sure, got sick of me saying "What!? What did you say?! I can't hear you" after everything they said.

Three weeks to the day, I think I'm finally healed.

#179 - met a boy

love.

#137 - girls are weird

There's no denying, I am a girl - through and through. I've got the emotions down to an art, for starters. Two summers ago, I went with the Siemers on their Oregon Coast trip. During one of the rainy nights, Sami and I cozied up in one of the yurts and started watching "An Affair to Remember". It was the first time I had seen this Cary Grant classic and didn't know what to expect. Through out the duration of the film, I was verging on tears because of the connection and romance between the two main characters. It wasn't until the end, the very last scene, that I broke down in tears, "Run to her! She loves you! She can't get up! UGH!" I remember Carolyn (mom Siemers) came in during that highly emotional scene and laughed at my obvious girlish tendencies. I was home one night, cooking, and decided to put on a movie in the background. It had been over a year since I had scene the movie, so I had it playing, but wasn't paying much attention. I wasn't invested in the story this time and was more focused on my baking. With it finishing in the oven, I sat on my bed and watched that very last scene. Within seconds, I was in tears, my heart instantly warmed when I saw their love and relief.

It reminded me of a time, when I had just started high school and went to my grandma's house after school. I had started the movie "Dead Poets Society" and was already to the climactic scene. Tears were streaming down my face when my mom arrived to take me home. I composed myself, took the movie home, immediately popped it in our VCR and instantly, the tears were flowing as if there wasn't a 15 minute intermission.

I remember teasing my mom when I was young about how she cried all the time, at things I wouldn't even feel that emotional about. As history proves, in this aspect for sure, I am turning into my mother.

#130 - a wink

I now see the personality of inanimate objects. I watched this video the other day about the personality of New York City. It made me miss living on the east coast, but also, evidently, opened my imagination to the object faces around me. I was driving down the freeway this morning and was following a large white company van. The back of the van opened up with two doors and had two large windows above each handle. One of the windows was painted over in white to match the truck. It looked like it was winking at me. I smiled shyly, looked around to see if there could be anyone else the truck could be winking at, and then, winked back.

#110 - happy sad mad happy full

After some introspective ganderings, it has been established that I'm a little all-over-the-place. It is quite possible that this is the direct result of confusing boys, immediate future decision making, and my recent plaguesque condition. Weird feelings came over me today as I was walking from class to work, my books hanging the usual way on my back. I began to think, "wow... what am I going to do with my backpack after I graduate? I'm never going to be carrying books, walking on a campus again." An incredibly weird realization after having student life consume my everyday for about 20 years. Today I am happy though - happy my apartment will be move-in-able in a few weeks, happy my body is almost back to normal, happy it wasn't worse, and happy for the sunshiney sun. I'm stepping out of the midst of perceived mountains and seeing them for the mole hills they are.

#98 - dearest

Dear Gossipy Friends at the fitness desk,
Your failed relationship is surprisingly interesting to me. If you wouldn't mind, please talk a little louder so I can her what your ex-girlfriend did that was so terrible. Don't give up on dating all-together though, I'm sure there's someone less crazy out there for you.

Dear Sweaty Guy in the weight-room,
Just because you are wearing a shirt that is two sizes too small and you saw me look at you lift weights, does not mean that as soon as you are done, you should ask me for my number. I'm going to say no, because I already said no to one sweaty guy tonight and it does not make you more appealing. Try maybe finding me out side the cliché of the gym.

Dear Flirty Couple behind me,
Stop it. Just stop it. Go love on each other somewhere else and not directly behind me. You keep running into me. Focus and stop it.

Dear Rexburg Weather,
Please stop crying. It makes my bike seat all wet and thus, my pants when I sit on it. I do love the rain, but would appreciate more days when I can sit outside, bake, and read.

Dear Girl,
I wish oh I wish I could help you with your woes. Let me ponder more and if anything glorious or grandiose comes to mind, I will be by your side with loving advice.

Dear Boy,
You should probably step up. I'm a very nice girl and you might enjoy spending more time with me.

Dear My Last Senior Semester; Summer 2009,
Where did you go!? Why are you leaving so fast... don't give me to boot yet. Maybe linger a little longer so I can still find time to go camping in Yellowstone, take a trip to California, bond enough relationships so they will continue after I leave, and especially don't end before I can find a new job. Your cooperation is much appreciated.

Dear Olympia,
I miss you dearly. Maybe not certain unmentionable things, but most defiantly the warfy, fishy smell that drifts in in the middle of the night, the deliciousness downtown and two plus-somes just out of town, my flatwin hero, and your calming, understanding mistiness.

Dear Health Science Faculty,
You can stop asking me about my relationship status any time. It's always going to be the same answer: I'm not sure about things right now, but we'll see. I'll let you know.

Dear Taco Bell in my tummy,
You made me sick. Why did you do that?? I thought I was hungry and wanted you... big mistake. Owiee

Dear Family,
I can't wait to see you all in July (and the rest in August)! Thank you for supporting me and coming out for my graduation. Athough I am less excited to actually "walk", I am excited to see you and take happy pictures. Thank you thank you! And I love you.

Dear Brittany,
When will I see you again? Can you come to my graduation? I need more of your crazy to rub off on me - I'm still going strong, but I feel it fading. I miss your face!

#95 - fifteen lies

-I'm not afraid of moving to Boise
-When given the choice of any other beverage and tea, I choose tea
-My spaghetti tastes just like Mom's
-I'm working on being less bitter and cynical
-I can picture myself happily married and successful
-I'm counting down the days 'till graduation
-I haven't cried once this semester
-One day I will see the Beatles live in concert, and faint profusely
-I can eat whatever I want and won't gain weight
-I can get a guy I like to ask me out with out being blatantly obvious
-Pie and cookies are good for you
-I workout at the gym for 1 hour every single day
-I'm over it
-Something amazing and magical will happen to me this semester
-I never lie

#93 - one door leads to safety, the other, to a horrible death

I truly detest making decisions. I always need every one's input and then never follow any of it. I get so confused in the pursuit of not making mistakes. When I get too overwhelmed with opinions and decisions, I shut down - - closing off any of the outcomes. It's a sad but honest truth. I sometimes wish that I only ever had one option and it was always the right and best one for me. Or even two options is fine, as long as one is clearly and horribly not right.


On a small scale on the decision making, is restaurants. If I've never been to a place before and I have too look at a menu and decide what to get, it takes me forever and I usually end up not liking what I got. If it's a 'usual' place for me, I stick with what I know. My restaurant goal is to always go with someone who knows me so well that they can just order for me and I will love it. Can that be how it always is? My job is just to make who I am, known.


Decisions decisions decisions... when do I get to stop making decisions??

#76 - don't forget me

There is only one down-side I can see with having Sami as my only roommate... and that is: sometimes, she leaves. Last weekend she went to Utah for a friend's wedding and the repercussions of that didn't hit me till the door closed behind her. No Sami = home alone. This also would be less of a devastation if I had a cell phone that worked. The night before she left (Wednesday night), in mid text, she just died. The screen went wiggi and then black. So now I'm home Thursday, with no place to be exactly and no phone. I don't even know anyone's phone numbers -- that dang crutch. Who has address books anymore?? A few other friends (the drop-in-on kind) were out of town too so options were slim. After I stood still, pondering my current predicament for a few seconds I read (which was great! I never get around to reading just for fun), took a nap, ate, watched a movie and had just "me time". It was pretty nice... for a few hours. Thankfully, after my mom informed one of my best friends that I was alone, he took me out and entertained me till midnight.

Sleep? Alone? In the dark? Without a phone? You kidding me? I'm not an alone kind of girl, obviously. It took a repeating "Sleepy Playlist" to finally drift me off at 3 in the morning. Only to then wake up paranoid at 6, fearful I would sleep though class with out my cellphone alarm clock.

Friday was a little better. At least I was prepared, but that didn't mean I could go without a light on, checking all the windows and door at least twice (plus setting up obstacles in front of the window that doesn't lock), and music playing; Annuals singing me to sleep. Saturday day was spend out and about the whole day and night was spent sleeping at a friend's house (I was not about to do that whole terrified thing again). I am alive and now better prepared for solitary living after graduation. And hopefully, my phone never fails me again when I need it most.

**and for those who follow the hyperlink - my playlist obsession now brings me to a grand total of 106 playlists.

#65 - bla bla bla

Also, you should know (and that is an ambiguous "you" so, basically anyone who reads this and cares) that I have been studying and testing and projecting and presenting and debating and writing a lot a lot lately. It has presented a need for breaks, example 1: blogging.

Example 2

Happy smiley filthies

Example 3

Yolk-a-matic

Example 4

How to walk with a rock

#58 - almost as a.d.d as Weezer's El Scorcho

Tonight I am filled with random thoughts so I apologize for the chaotic expulsion of words.

(my random mood also inspired the random pictures... one is a newly completed blue beanie - accomplished while on a school field trip. The other is a very discouraged me while trapped in a park bathroom.)

I am full of the cravings: craving to go to a sweet, huge concert and dance until my feet hurt and my body flails just enough to be awkwardly close to those around me. I am going to a Vetiver concert in a few weeks, but something tells me this indie band (amazing as it is) won't help me release my dancing bursts. Right now I can't get enough of the concerts (I like them best, currently, when they are free). Also, tacos.

I want to be one of those people. You know the kind that feels okay going to concerts or to dinner alone. Why not? Why feel weird and lonely? OWN IT! "What of it. I'm here for the music, man. Be jealous of my self dubbed power." Currently, I need to call about three friends to get outside approval that I am cool enough to pull it off before I venture out.

Whatever happened to meeting new people? Freshman year I was all about the random knocking on people's apartments and making new friends. I was full of a ridiculous amount of energy and couldn't get enough of people. Now... I'm the person who has my friends, likes my friends, am satisfied with my social life and don't care to expand. It's not that I'm anti-social. The opposite, in fact, by anyone's definition. I'm just content with the bounds of my circle. Sad, but I guess that's what comes with old age; marked by the removal of my parental-mooching medical insurance. Welcome to the adulthood cave of social satisfaction.

If you read below this entry, you will discover that I have recently gone grocery shopping. It was an incredibly exciting and rewarding experience. I have ran across a problem though: I am afraid to actually eat the food. It looks so glorious and delicious, but if I eat it, I won't have it anymore. I want to keep the food in it's perfectly preserved state forever! I bought two artichokes. Maintaining their artichokish properties, they need to be eaten right away. If I eat one, I'll only have one left. Okay, I can deal with that, but then I can't eat the other one because then I will have none and I will be sad. This goes for all the food in my house. I don't want it to be gone... begging the question - what else is food good for, but to eat? Having the food around, knowing that I can eat it and that it is comfortingly by my side is a pleasant feeling. Eat the food = kill the feeling.

I love school. Correction: I love learning. If I could just audit every class and not have to worry about grades, life would be superbly blissful. Alas, the existence of tests, quizzes and dread. Notice I didn't put papers; I like writing papers - therefore, this school attribute will remain in my self proclaimed perfected collegiate program. I'm a little sad that I can't take more classes and that graduation is swiftly approaching, with my enrollment in only two classes in the summer. If I could, I would take Theory, a few culinary arts classes, more humanities classes, and a few philosophy classes. Again, for auditing purposes only - purely to fill the file cabinets in my mind.

I pretend I am more crafty than I am. I either need to tone down the awesomeness of my skills, or expand the limits of those skills. And why is crocheting hobo gloves so dang hard? Do we really need all four fingers AND a thumb. Jeez.

#41 - there's something in the cheese

There is a special nerve in my body. It takes control every time I watch a pathetically sappy movie, every time I get that look from that guy, and yes... every time I hear one of those ridiculously cheesy 80's love songs. I am pretty particular about my music: I love what I like and know what I don't. I am especially categorical with my love songs. I have my general "in the mood for love" playlist, "happy love" "cheesy love" "broken love" and the ultimate, "romance" playlist. Two songs really get the cheesy-love nerve twitching: The Glory of Love and The Inspiration. It doesn't get more sappy than those, and I love it! They are the kind of songs that make you want to spin around your house, belting out those grandiose lyrics to a man in a heart-shaped picture frame. I am undeniably one of those girls who goes weak in the knees when she gets handpicked flowers that are mostly dead - but with all the loving intentions.

(Just so my freaky playlist obsession can be placed in context: you should know I have a playlist for every circumstance or situation... comes to about 60 playlists. Thank you.)