#147 - misfits me perfect

If it wasn't for the size, the distance between buildings, the ridiculous amount of people, and the number of surrounding restaurants, I'd think I was back at BYU-Idaho. BYU is definitely a too overwhelming for my littleness. I always think there are all these rules and codes of student conduct that I don't know here. I grabbed some food in the Wilkinson Center and looked at the packed to capacity table-sitting area, not knowing if it's kosher to sit at people's tables with them. There were also a lot of people lined up, sitting against the wall eating and typing away. I wondered if that was the only sitting on the ground approved wall, or if I could sit against any wall? Not wanting to disturb the well oiled religious machine; I stood for a while until someone left a table. This is me... at my own table (plus the two guys who just sat down to read the paper... apparently you ARE allowed to table share).

#127 - keep on keepin' on

Last Friday morning was officially my last day as a student and a resident of Rexburg. I left my binders behind and took off for Boise.

Graduation was a blast! My friends and family came, supporting me and taking loads of pictures so I could remember forever the day I officially am allowed to sign my name: Vanessa Park, B.S. (do people do that?). I attended an alumni dinner where I stood and was welcomed to the society that is badgered for money. Off to Commencement where I felt the camaraderie of hundreds of other graduates that are a little freaked out about their future plans. One more stop, at Convocation where I received an empty diploma case... they're double checking that I passed all my classes this last semester. It was loads of fun, as I'm sure you can tell from the pictures.

Loading up the car was a feat in itself, even with two cars - it looked nearly impossible. Snugly, we drove the 4 and a half hours and filled my tiny new apartment with bits of me to make it feel more... mine. Besides holding back tears when we first started moving in, I felt pretty good. I'm just not at all ready to live alone, be an adult, and be independent. I still want the love and company of friends and family, but sadly... they will all be gone tomorrow morning. Then the real adventure begins. Still searching for a job, but I feel good about the life I've imagined for myself here. Wish me luck and please send me adult thoughts and vibes.

#121 - shouting devotions

My bathroom has a voice. Every day, at different times during the day, her religious side breaks through and she sings hymns. I will come home and hear a mysterious noise. It is only after brief fear and investigation that I realize the radio in the bathroom started up again, playing a rendition of an uplifting song. I always feel a little bad going in and turning it off. I feel as though I'm killing the spirituality in there. "Hush, Bathroom! I don't want to hear about your religious devotions." It's a very sad time...

Today. Today was different. I got home after playing with a few lifelong friends and heard the bathroom singing again. I went down to turn the radio off when I heard something different. This was not gospel music...?! Those are the Shout Out Louds! One of my very favorite bands. I was so proud of my bathroom for playing such awesome music! Did she change her station from christian radio? How does she know just what to play to make my happy?! My bathroom and I have the same taste in music?! It was so exciting that I decided to leave the radio going. After my friends left, I went back to see if the next song this station played was just as awesome. I looked closely and saw the screen switch and say "Now Playing: Track 12"...

Yes, evidently we unknowingly switched it to be programed to play the CD automatically instead of the radio... it was a little disappointing to not have a musically supreme bathroom - but still exciting to know that at random times during the day, the Shout Out Louds will play in my house.

#114 - inattentive something or other and the not-blog

I was going to blog about how earlier today I wasn't feeling well and thought it might have been because it was 3:00 and all I'd had to eat was a low fat yogurt, and apple, and a banana. That mixed with never enough water and meds this morning, I thought, made me feel ill. Turns out it was just work, because I just got back for the 9 to midnight shift and immediately the feeling came upon me again, after being absent while I was at play. But I felt too sick, so I didn't.

I was going to blog about the week that the celebrities died - - how it is everywhere now (everyone buying MJ's music, twitter whaling over with people talking about the devastation, it consuming the news and gossip shows, every news and media blog I follow posting something about it) but I thought that would just add to the already overwhelming talk and be counter-productive, so I didn't.

I was going to blog about my rebellious hypocritical feelings regarding having to work on a holiday weekend, especially when it's such glorious weather outside. In protest I am wearing carpi's and flip-flops to work (a cardinal no-no for the authorities of BYU-I), but still have to tell people coming to the gym that they have to be properly attired in the required gym uniforms to exercise. But that didn't interest me enough, so I didn't.

So this is me without thought and my not-blog.

#112 - counting game

Vanessa's Counting Game: Ready. Go.

10: Vanessa has ten chapsticks that enjoy being lost, forgotten, left in pockets or melted.

9: Vanessa has nine more days of classes left in her last semester of college.

8: Vanessa has eight pairs of socks that still have matches and that are white.

7: Vanessa has seven spools of yarn that desperately desire to be crafted into something useful.

6: Vanessa has six things on her list of things to do for tomorrow - - go to work, study for a test, take a test, wash her car, feed a friend, find a boise job.

5: Vanessa has five bills that she has to pay every month. All adult bills. Yes that's right - she said it.

4: Vanessa takes four pills every morning. Only for two more days though. After that, it's just her and her immune system. Go immune system, GO!

3: Vanessa has three more weeks of school left before she graduates. After that, she'll have to continue learning by teaching herself.

2: Vanessa won two contests in elementary school - - a math flash card competition in 5th grade (vs. scott temple... genius), and a spelling contest in 3rd grade.

1: Vanessa has one fancy thing that hasn't broken yet (the laptop is just slightly dented after dropping it yesterday... still works!).

0: Vanessa has zero dollars in her bank account. But she DOES have $0.25 - which is going to go towards washing her car tomorrow.

#110 - happy sad mad happy full

After some introspective ganderings, it has been established that I'm a little all-over-the-place. It is quite possible that this is the direct result of confusing boys, immediate future decision making, and my recent plaguesque condition. Weird feelings came over me today as I was walking from class to work, my books hanging the usual way on my back. I began to think, "wow... what am I going to do with my backpack after I graduate? I'm never going to be carrying books, walking on a campus again." An incredibly weird realization after having student life consume my everyday for about 20 years. Today I am happy though - happy my apartment will be move-in-able in a few weeks, happy my body is almost back to normal, happy it wasn't worse, and happy for the sunshiney sun. I'm stepping out of the midst of perceived mountains and seeing them for the mole hills they are.

#106 - future and to-day to-do's

Since the thing that has been occupying almost all my time and mind space is coming swiftly to an end (exactly one month from today 'till graduation) I figured it was time to dust off all the projects I wish to tackle eventually today someday. These somedays are not in any oneday order. They just are.

First: Accompanying me to devotional, religion classes, firesides, and all things that in them are "church" is a notebook. As I have been participating in these feverish-note-taking events all my life, so needless to say, the notebooks have stacked up. I was thinking, originally, of typing everything up and archiving them that way, but after reflecting on the fact that 1- there are a lot of them and 2- every other thing contained within the "journal" spectrum is typed, I decided that it would be nice to have something personal with my handwriting, doodles and comments made by the people sitting next to me. So now, the mission is to number the pages and create a "topic table of contents" so that I can quickly flip to a subject and know what is in each notebook - - thus making my stack less useless.

Second: I want to take all my loose recipes and do essentially the same thing. Either type them up (less important to hold on to personalized vanilla and flour stains) or stick them in a binder with an index or course tabs.

Third: I need to make a budget. An honest to goodness budget. Maybe official looking on the computer... Historically, my budgeting consists of mentally estimating how much my expenses will be at the end of the month and trying to make that as close to my income as possible - - always taking me right up to the wire, if not strangling myself with the wire. At the end of each month, I whip out a "budgeting post-it note" and write down all my bills, add them up, and subtract from my meager checking account. As my mother has informed me, this simply will not do. I need to start saving money (really saving, not just saving for 3 weeks until I have to pay bills again).

Fourth: I want to start crafting my way to a house of my own. Crocheting pot-holders, sewing an apron etc. I want to start putting things together now that I can use in my house so I can buy less things. I also want to learn new skills, like knitting, widdling, and... I don't know, other crafty things.

Fifth: ROCK ON MY GUITAR AND HARMONICA and earn the luxury of owning one of those harmonica-neck-holder-so-I-can-play-the-guitar-at-the-same-time things, like the greats.

Today someday, these will just be gold stars on the chart. done.

#98 - dearest

Dear Gossipy Friends at the fitness desk,
Your failed relationship is surprisingly interesting to me. If you wouldn't mind, please talk a little louder so I can her what your ex-girlfriend did that was so terrible. Don't give up on dating all-together though, I'm sure there's someone less crazy out there for you.

Dear Sweaty Guy in the weight-room,
Just because you are wearing a shirt that is two sizes too small and you saw me look at you lift weights, does not mean that as soon as you are done, you should ask me for my number. I'm going to say no, because I already said no to one sweaty guy tonight and it does not make you more appealing. Try maybe finding me out side the cliché of the gym.

Dear Flirty Couple behind me,
Stop it. Just stop it. Go love on each other somewhere else and not directly behind me. You keep running into me. Focus and stop it.

Dear Rexburg Weather,
Please stop crying. It makes my bike seat all wet and thus, my pants when I sit on it. I do love the rain, but would appreciate more days when I can sit outside, bake, and read.

Dear Girl,
I wish oh I wish I could help you with your woes. Let me ponder more and if anything glorious or grandiose comes to mind, I will be by your side with loving advice.

Dear Boy,
You should probably step up. I'm a very nice girl and you might enjoy spending more time with me.

Dear My Last Senior Semester; Summer 2009,
Where did you go!? Why are you leaving so fast... don't give me to boot yet. Maybe linger a little longer so I can still find time to go camping in Yellowstone, take a trip to California, bond enough relationships so they will continue after I leave, and especially don't end before I can find a new job. Your cooperation is much appreciated.

Dear Olympia,
I miss you dearly. Maybe not certain unmentionable things, but most defiantly the warfy, fishy smell that drifts in in the middle of the night, the deliciousness downtown and two plus-somes just out of town, my flatwin hero, and your calming, understanding mistiness.

Dear Health Science Faculty,
You can stop asking me about my relationship status any time. It's always going to be the same answer: I'm not sure about things right now, but we'll see. I'll let you know.

Dear Taco Bell in my tummy,
You made me sick. Why did you do that?? I thought I was hungry and wanted you... big mistake. Owiee

Dear Family,
I can't wait to see you all in July (and the rest in August)! Thank you for supporting me and coming out for my graduation. Athough I am less excited to actually "walk", I am excited to see you and take happy pictures. Thank you thank you! And I love you.

Dear Brittany,
When will I see you again? Can you come to my graduation? I need more of your crazy to rub off on me - I'm still going strong, but I feel it fading. I miss your face!

#95 - fifteen lies

-I'm not afraid of moving to Boise
-When given the choice of any other beverage and tea, I choose tea
-My spaghetti tastes just like Mom's
-I'm working on being less bitter and cynical
-I can picture myself happily married and successful
-I'm counting down the days 'till graduation
-I haven't cried once this semester
-One day I will see the Beatles live in concert, and faint profusely
-I can eat whatever I want and won't gain weight
-I can get a guy I like to ask me out with out being blatantly obvious
-Pie and cookies are good for you
-I workout at the gym for 1 hour every single day
-I'm over it
-Something amazing and magical will happen to me this semester
-I never lie

#77 - an inspiration to us all

Right now I am in 'find-a-job-and-an-apartment-for-after-graduation' mode. It's an exciting mode to be in, especially the apartment part. I'm trying to find something I can afford (so, super cheap) but not creepy and gross. Getting a studio apartment seems very romantic and glamerous so I'm leaning more towards that. The job hunt is a little more nerve-racking but I have lots of support and networking helpers. I'm not nervous; I know I'll be taken care of. I was talking to one of my co-workers at the gym today though, telling her of my post-graduation plans. I told her that I am going to graduate from BYU-Idaho unmarried (how un-mormon of me!) and get my own place in the "real world". She told me how refreshing that was to hear and how I inspired her to get excited about her real-life (single) plans. In no way am I anti-marriage; just seminars here like: "Graduating and Still Single? Find Out What's Wrong With You." make me sad for those poor girls, thinking life is over if they have to be adults by themselves. Cheer up little ones! Be happy! You'll be okay - - you've just been programmed to think otherwise.

(Okay, so maybe the second half of that seminar title isn't completely accurate, but the first half was real and the second part is right along those lines...)

#71 - seems like home to me

I just moved into my new (and last college) house. Sami and I own the place and are deciding how we want to decorate/arrange things. It is so wonderful so share a little space, perfect for just two, with my best friend. I am anticipating this semester being the BEST SEMESTER EVER! and this apartment is sealing the deal. Like I said, it's small and a little ghetto, but I just love it to pieces. Our first feat was to repair the mirror that fell off the medicine cabinet when I opened it. A little (lot) of duct tape later it was secured and we now learned something new about our house... don't open the medicine cabinet. The front door is found inside the garage of the attached house and there are only three small windows to let the world know that 'we are here we are here!!' Why I found this place only last semester I don't know and am a little sad about, but I love it while I have it!

#69 - couch accomplishments

I did it. It is done. One more semester under my belt and only one more to go. It's a good feeling to know that I did all I could and I can't do anything about anything now. In about a week I'll know my grades and can take the thrashing then. But until that time though, I am carefree! Just packing and moving stresses now (secretly, I love it - - cleaning, getting organized, throwing away things I don't need). In a few months I'll be living in an apartment in some sweet downtown that comes, unfortunately, unfurnished. I took inventory yesterday to see what kind of "furniture" I actually own. That would be a bookshelf. I can use the inside to put things in, the top to eat off of, and the back to lean against. There you go: a desk, cabinet, dining room table and chair all in one. Who could ask for more? I define actual adulthood to be when you own a bed frame. Not just the mattress mind you. Anyone can own a mattress, but it is not until you are frame-equipped that you have actually crossed the line and became an adult. A bed frame and a couch (not just one of those inflatable ones, or ones that belong on a deck; but a real life couch.)

The picture is Tessa's

#65 - bla bla bla

Also, you should know (and that is an ambiguous "you" so, basically anyone who reads this and cares) that I have been studying and testing and projecting and presenting and debating and writing a lot a lot lately. It has presented a need for breaks, example 1: blogging.

Example 2

Happy smiley filthies

Example 3

Yolk-a-matic

Example 4

How to walk with a rock

#58 - almost as a.d.d as Weezer's El Scorcho

Tonight I am filled with random thoughts so I apologize for the chaotic expulsion of words.

(my random mood also inspired the random pictures... one is a newly completed blue beanie - accomplished while on a school field trip. The other is a very discouraged me while trapped in a park bathroom.)

I am full of the cravings: craving to go to a sweet, huge concert and dance until my feet hurt and my body flails just enough to be awkwardly close to those around me. I am going to a Vetiver concert in a few weeks, but something tells me this indie band (amazing as it is) won't help me release my dancing bursts. Right now I can't get enough of the concerts (I like them best, currently, when they are free). Also, tacos.

I want to be one of those people. You know the kind that feels okay going to concerts or to dinner alone. Why not? Why feel weird and lonely? OWN IT! "What of it. I'm here for the music, man. Be jealous of my self dubbed power." Currently, I need to call about three friends to get outside approval that I am cool enough to pull it off before I venture out.

Whatever happened to meeting new people? Freshman year I was all about the random knocking on people's apartments and making new friends. I was full of a ridiculous amount of energy and couldn't get enough of people. Now... I'm the person who has my friends, likes my friends, am satisfied with my social life and don't care to expand. It's not that I'm anti-social. The opposite, in fact, by anyone's definition. I'm just content with the bounds of my circle. Sad, but I guess that's what comes with old age; marked by the removal of my parental-mooching medical insurance. Welcome to the adulthood cave of social satisfaction.

If you read below this entry, you will discover that I have recently gone grocery shopping. It was an incredibly exciting and rewarding experience. I have ran across a problem though: I am afraid to actually eat the food. It looks so glorious and delicious, but if I eat it, I won't have it anymore. I want to keep the food in it's perfectly preserved state forever! I bought two artichokes. Maintaining their artichokish properties, they need to be eaten right away. If I eat one, I'll only have one left. Okay, I can deal with that, but then I can't eat the other one because then I will have none and I will be sad. This goes for all the food in my house. I don't want it to be gone... begging the question - what else is food good for, but to eat? Having the food around, knowing that I can eat it and that it is comfortingly by my side is a pleasant feeling. Eat the food = kill the feeling.

I love school. Correction: I love learning. If I could just audit every class and not have to worry about grades, life would be superbly blissful. Alas, the existence of tests, quizzes and dread. Notice I didn't put papers; I like writing papers - therefore, this school attribute will remain in my self proclaimed perfected collegiate program. I'm a little sad that I can't take more classes and that graduation is swiftly approaching, with my enrollment in only two classes in the summer. If I could, I would take Theory, a few culinary arts classes, more humanities classes, and a few philosophy classes. Again, for auditing purposes only - purely to fill the file cabinets in my mind.

I pretend I am more crafty than I am. I either need to tone down the awesomeness of my skills, or expand the limits of those skills. And why is crocheting hobo gloves so dang hard? Do we really need all four fingers AND a thumb. Jeez.

#51 - your vote counts

Alright, I'm taking a vote (and yes, the co-creator of this video gets a heavier weighted vote):

A. I'm dying to see the rest of this video! Please post it!

B. For goodness sake, spare me the ridiculousness!

Time to listen to the voice of the people...

#40 - circling each other like Venezuelan flamingos engrossed in a complex mating dance

Being enrolled in a class that involves an online discussion board or blog puts me in quite a sticky situation. Right now I'm dealing with two: Social Problems and Ethics. I don't know what it is, but in the discussion board arena, I feel like I'm drowning in theological bafoonery. There are millions and millions of people smarter than I - that is not in dispute. I just feel like 90% of the time, I am placed in discussion groups with people who are missing the boat. Please feel free to step into my world with brief view of my pain:

"I can say nothing about the existence of objective standards, because any statement about them would be taken from my subjective point of view. Trying to find an objective measure by which to measure my judgements would itself be subjective, either by the other trying to measure my judgements, or my myself trying to realize the potential of my thoughts as being objective. If I were to say that a standard were objective, I would most definitely hope that the process by which I discover this standard did not contain subjective standards or rules, because then what could I truly say about the objectivity of the process of finding objective standards? As subjectivity is possessed by the potential to be incorrect, only an objective being could find and be objectively sure of objective standards relating to what form of life, if any, is better. A rational human may incorrectly determine a standard to be objective."

This isn't even as bad as some of the superfluous jargon that I have encountered. This "response" had absolutely nothing to do with the posed question... needless to say, I "regrettably" gave him a 20/50. It's also interesting how many, barely high school level, papers I have edited while in college... it is frustrating beyond comprehension sometimes. This is partially why I don't like group projects or group discussion boards. It hurts my head to try and weave through these intense webs of incognizance (might have made up that word...for dramatic effect, of course)

#14 - have we met?

The BYU-I homepage has been cycling through the same 5 faces of students for about 5+ years now. Suddenly dawns a new dynasty! There are 5 new heads that adorn our school's webpage! While looking up a teacher online at work, I came across one new head I didn't recognize. "Who is that?!" "They go to our school?!" "HELLO!!!" =) excited voices gathered around me as all my c0-workers and volunteers circled around our computer as we hit refresh over and over again until we had identified all the new people. They are very culturally diverse and bear the classic BYU-I, "Golly! I'm just happy to be alive!" pose. So if you have some time, visit byui.edu and join me in welcoming our new heads. Get to know them, love them, remember them; for they will be the new heads for the next 10 years. (You can tell the new heads from the old because the new ones are brighter with newer campus backgrounds).