#61 - what I can't have

I've come across a very disturbing phenomenon. When I can't do something - that's when the desire for it consumes me. Example. I can eat a normal amount of food right before church, but in that three hour block, my stomach starts growling and I get so hungry, I think for the sole reason that I can't eat. If food is available to me all day, I don't get really hungry and my stomach doesn't growl because I know if I want it, I can have it. Same with work: it doesn't matter if I eat a big meal before work; once I get there, knowing that I can't get food, I am immediately hungry! What is that about?! Last summer I remember that I never drove my car. I wanted to save gas and didn't really have anywhere to go, but as soon as I couldn't drive my car because it was in the shop - I all of a sudden needed it all the time! When I can't sleep (like while I'm in class or while I'm in church, etc.) is when I'm incredibly exhausted (even if I got a good night's sleep the night before), but when I am sleep deprived and can sleep, I'm not tired and stay up late. It is so bizarre to me. Come on body! Just want what you want when you want it, and don't when you can't!

Also, this really doesn't have anything to do with what I'm talking about, but I can drink lots of water all day long, but with out fail, in the middle of the night I am DYING of thirst! Not just a little thirsty, but if I don't get water right this instant into my mouth, flowing down my throat, I'm going to actually die. My whole body feels like it's been stranded on a deserted island for years, so when I get up and get a drink, I guzzle it down like my life depended on it!!! I feel bad for Sami; I'm sure I wake her up as I realize my water bottle by my bed is empty and then stumble towards the door to get a drink. I grab one of the jugs of water in the fridge and take a swig (which, you would think would be satisfying, but it's SO cold that it hurts when I drink it so fast. Then I have to sit on the ground while I wait for the freezing pain to go away). It's a nightly ritual I could do with out.