#150 - set yourself on fire

Vanessa: an honest, uncontrollable emotion in the current...

That was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'
In that instant it started to pour,
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across Pont Champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name...

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...

Live through this, and you won't look back...

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

#149 - to be to come

I'll blog soon, but for now - new pics of high adventure (and more on their way)

#148 - resume material

I have a joke: so there was this hotel in the world. This hotel thought it would be a great idea if a guest's bed was all warmed up before they got in it that night. INVENTION! The human bed warmer. gafaw gafaw gafaw...

(by the way, I can't get over the middle "guest" man's facial expression, "I feel funny...")

How is this a good idea? I love the questions tied to this article:

*In the case of a double bed, will there be two bed warmers?

*In such a case, will they match equally in their bed warming abilities?

*Do bed warmers get any special training?

*Is this a free lagniappe service or guests have to pay extra charges for a pre-warmed bed?

*What is the gender of the bed warmer? Most guests assume it would a woman but the news item cleverly keeps silent about it.

I have some of my own:

*Are you supposed to talk to them? If so, what on earth do you say?
*Will they be all sweaty and hot and there-by, sweat in your bed?
*Will they just wander from room to room, bed laying?
*Do you tip?

*Are you supposed to get in the bed while they are in there?

*Will they make the bed after they leave and make it ridiculously and uncomfortably too tight like hotel beds always are?
*Why is this happening?

I feel uncomfortable and awkward....

#147 - misfits me perfect

If it wasn't for the size, the distance between buildings, the ridiculous amount of people, and the number of surrounding restaurants, I'd think I was back at BYU-Idaho. BYU is definitely a too overwhelming for my littleness. I always think there are all these rules and codes of student conduct that I don't know here. I grabbed some food in the Wilkinson Center and looked at the packed to capacity table-sitting area, not knowing if it's kosher to sit at people's tables with them. There were also a lot of people lined up, sitting against the wall eating and typing away. I wondered if that was the only sitting on the ground approved wall, or if I could sit against any wall? Not wanting to disturb the well oiled religious machine; I stood for a while until someone left a table. This is me... at my own table (plus the two guys who just sat down to read the paper... apparently you ARE allowed to table share).

#146 -illustrious Jump Creek

Page by page, I'm going to adventure through "Trails and Canyons of Western Idaho" - A book my friend has. A group of us marked off one such chapter: Jump Creek. It was a beautiful hike with plenty of fun rock climbing and aqueous beauty. Saturday morning: Up at 5:30 am, arrived at 9:00 am - hiked until maybe... 2:00 pm? That early in the morning, we were the only ones out on the trails, which made it all the more magical. Anyone who knows me can tell you, I am an absolute sucker for waterfalls. They make my insides wooshy with excitement and magic, and this was no exception.

#145 - bat people

It's drastic. It's bold. It's momentous. It's radical. I've moved! ...upstairs.

My studio was simply unrealistic. I was uncomfortable having my house speak for me and saying, "hello. welcome to this one semi-medium size room. Take a seat on my... bed?". I've since moved up to one of the lofts on the second floor in my building. I've now got a two-floor, well, loft. I love having increased privacy and space and it makes me feel as though I could remain in this residence for a little while longer. My body is not made to sit still though; so as a compromise and alternative to moving, I've made plans to take a trip each month this year. I'll do my best to keep you posted on such adventures.

JANUARY

FEBRUARY

MARCH

APRIL

MAY

JUNE

JULY

AUGUST

SEPTEMBER

OCTOBER

NOVEMBER

DECEMBER

#144 - long since forgotten

We used to be great together. We had each other's back. Sharing adventures, pictures, laughs and tears. Updates monthly; nay, weekly! But that was a long time ago... You've probably since moved on to other more exciting, regularly updated blogs. I'm still here; still having thoughts, barely intelligible to post. Still wanting that connection to the vast expanse. Reaching out to the unknown reader that might connect to my maundering. If you are there, please know I'll do my best to come in at a reasonable hour and share my tales with you. We can cuddle up and pillow talk until the wee hours. Had a long day? Well, just relax, and know I'm back for you, baby.

#143 - like a tree

Apparently, I am like a Tree – Like a mighty oak, people who fall into the Tree category tend to be down-to-earth, with strong roots that provide strength to stand up to life’s daily challenges, and long branches to nurture those you care about. But like a tree’s leaves changing in the fall, you might find that your moods change when life’s challenges occasionally overwhelm you.

I took this "mood quiz" today and that was my result. I'm usually in a really good mood! Lately, I've been especially happy and have found joy in a lot of little things. I'm not always in a good mood: I am sometimes sleep deprived, work is sometimes long, I've had my heart broken, and sometimes I'm home and friend sick...

I am trying to focus now on finding joy in my life! I have two wonderful jobs in which I hold leadership positions, I have enough income to support my needs and occasional splurging wants. I have a gorgeous loft that I pine to lounge in, I have a downtown in easy access, friends to always turn to and a potential man I just can't get enough of! All in all, life is extremely happy and I'm loving every minute. My stomach is back to its twitterpated-less confused self and a smile, pretty much, never leaves my face.

#142 - workoholic

5:45 am - ...snooze...
the good: I get to sleep longer
the bad: I have to wake up soon

5:50 am - ...snooze...
the good: a few more minutes
the bad: quite, phone!

5:55 am - ...snooze...
the good: haha! I still get to sleep
the bad: dang, it's almost 6

6:00 am - alright alright
the good: alive, happy, healthy, employed
the bad: moving out of the cozy and into the less comfortable

6:45 am - drive to Meridian
the good: totally going to be to work on time!
the bad: I can't ride my bike to work

7:00 am - work work work
the good: happy people = job satisfaction, and good money
the bad: whiners, complainers, sobbers

3:30 pm - drive to Boise
the good: I work at the YMCA!
the bad: already worked 8 hours...

3:45 pm - work work work
the good: happy children, health conscience community, fabulous co-workers
the bad: still not sure what I want to do with my life

8:00 pm - drive home
the good: over!
the bad: exhausted, socially deprived, did I eat?

10:30 pm - nogggg shoooo nogggg shoooo
the good: happy bed, cozy dreams
the bad: my time is very scheduled and I've got too much workohol in my system

#141 - water pump

When dear ones go into surgery: on Saturday, I brought my mac in for a few repairs. The mac men seemed very confident and said they would have it fixed in no time, but failed to mention up front that they would need to keep it for five days. It was sprung on me, and as I walked outside of the store, I felt a little mac shaped emptiness. I got home and helped my old Compaq emerge from the closet. It has jumped from closet to closet for the past two 1/2 years since I've upgraded. It works, but has been stripped of it's computerness. After re-installing the Internet, I was up and running. The only problem with this computer is that it randomly decides to shut down; oh, and it's not a mac, and of course, once you mac, you can never go back. I have recently become addicted to the pill popping "House" and like to watch an episode or two a day online. 20 minutes into an episode and 3 'shut-downs' later, I had reached the pivotal discovery scene. Dr. Foreman was looking into a telescope, having a conversation with Dr. Wilson, when he got that look and exclaimed, "the water pump!" shoooooommmm - a black screen. "WHAT ABOUT THE PUMP!? WHAT ABOUT THE PUMP" Instinctually I yelled at my computer, and was too upset to instantly reboot. I had to calm down a bit... clean my house. Then find out how this water pump managed to almost kill a family. Very frustrating. One of the key luxuries I have found with a mac, now that I can really compare, is speed. Speed at finding things, bouncing through screens and pulling up need-to-go-to's. Oh I miss you speedy on mac. Get better soon...

#140 - digestive disgrace

What a terrible night for eating! I wasn't really hungry tonight and just wanted small munchies. I decided to try popcorn chicken for the first time. Apparently, spices are needed, because I just dipped bits of chicken in egg and then in flour and deep fried it. Very gross. I couldn't even cook my third batch and didn't eat the second batch. SPICES I NEED! After that I wanted some delicious liquid in my mouth, so I opened the fridge and noticed I had some chocolate milk in the fridge. I took a swig and what do we find? Tangy bubbly SPOILED! Super gross; I had even swallowed a lot. I tried to immediately over compensate with all the good tasting, easily accessible things in my fridge: grape juice, carrots and chocolate frosting. I felt sick.

crispy flour egg chicken + sour chocolate milk + grape juice + chocolate frosting + carrots = why did I even bother getting my flu shot last week if I'm just going to kill myself anyway.

I would like a crepe with fruit now please. Thank you.

#139 - studio 209

My decorating and moving furniture phase seems just about over. It's not big, by any means, but it's a perfect tide-over for the next seven months. It's comfortable, smells good, and all mine! This is me: nestled and settled in...

#138 - deep and dark

Last weekend I went adventuring again! There seems to be only a few more adventure days left, as the weather is getting crisper and wetter. I went with 17 new friends to "Smith's Crack" about 30 minutes outside of Boise. I really love caving! Being inside the earth, in such a dark, hidden place... it's very exhilarating. I love climbing around and discovering new tunnels and crevices. My brother is, hopefully, on the verge of finding a sweet new cave in Washington, which I will be excited to explore with him.

I think the trickiest cave excursion I've had thus far was called the "Birth Canal" (it wasn't in Smith's Crack). It consisted of a tube, roughly 200 yards long. You had to have your arms above you, because of the tightness (laying down, there was a wall inches from your nose, and inches from the left and right sides of your body). To get through, you had to methodically move your heels, knees, butt, back, shoulders, head, repeat. You inch-wormed your way through to a 90 degree corner, which opened up into a small room. After hanging out in there, you went back, inching along. Once you reached the end of the tunnel, you had to hang down, head first for about 5 feet, until you could reach the ground with your hands and hand-stand your self free. GIVE ME MORE!

#137 - girls are weird

There's no denying, I am a girl - through and through. I've got the emotions down to an art, for starters. Two summers ago, I went with the Siemers on their Oregon Coast trip. During one of the rainy nights, Sami and I cozied up in one of the yurts and started watching "An Affair to Remember". It was the first time I had seen this Cary Grant classic and didn't know what to expect. Through out the duration of the film, I was verging on tears because of the connection and romance between the two main characters. It wasn't until the end, the very last scene, that I broke down in tears, "Run to her! She loves you! She can't get up! UGH!" I remember Carolyn (mom Siemers) came in during that highly emotional scene and laughed at my obvious girlish tendencies. I was home one night, cooking, and decided to put on a movie in the background. It had been over a year since I had scene the movie, so I had it playing, but wasn't paying much attention. I wasn't invested in the story this time and was more focused on my baking. With it finishing in the oven, I sat on my bed and watched that very last scene. Within seconds, I was in tears, my heart instantly warmed when I saw their love and relief.

It reminded me of a time, when I had just started high school and went to my grandma's house after school. I had started the movie "Dead Poets Society" and was already to the climactic scene. Tears were streaming down my face when my mom arrived to take me home. I composed myself, took the movie home, immediately popped it in our VCR and instantly, the tears were flowing as if there wasn't a 15 minute intermission.

I remember teasing my mom when I was young about how she cried all the time, at things I wouldn't even feel that emotional about. As history proves, in this aspect for sure, I am turning into my mother.

#136 - the future

While I was in college, I thought about the future, but not with a lot of worry because, well, it was the future. When romantically fantasizing with girlfriends, everything seemed so magical because, it was the future. We are starting a new computer system at work and received training the other day. If a key component was missing, we would bring it to their attention, and they would inform us that it was to come in the next upgrade. When is it going to be released? In the future. Whenever I see something fancy or cool, I call it, "The Future".

It's hard to tell if this fantasy is solely based on movies: depicting the future as this great and wonderous time, when things you desire are brought to pass, the girl gets the guy, technology allows us to fly and have the world readily available at our fingertips. It's a time of complete possibilities, no limits or boundaries. If something is unpleasant now, it will be perfected in the future. But if it's always in the future, when will the future be my now?!

#135 - how am i not myself?

I suppose I'm one of those people... I'm into bands that most people haven't heard of. I can listen to music for hours, staring into space and living the lyrics in my imagination. The enveloping daze of a broken heart consumes me into unseen depths. The utter bliss of the idea of a new love fills my mind with day dreams and turns my life into a musical. The melancholy ecstasy of an indie film grabs my attention and emotion. I eat hummus and pesto and like it. I pretend to enjoy drinking tea, which, by my combination, ends up being lemon-flavored-honey-water. And I can make fun of myself for it =)

I indulged this evening and went to see 500 Days of Summer for the second time. The first time, I went with a few friends who didn't care for the film and I was more consumed with appeasing them than developing an opinion of the movie. I had been looking forward to this movie for months was wasn't satisfied with my experience. I decided tonight to see it again, but this time, alone. And you know what? I really loved it! I loved Tom's heights and depths. It reminded me so much of myself and my own relationships. I loved Summer's honesty and independence. I related a lot to both of the main characters. I often put my life into movies and lyrics... romanticize my day-to-day.

I am looking forward to the Sundance Film Festival in Park City. I hope I can actually make it... financially. Currently there are quite a few interestings:

Cold Souls

Adam

Paper Hearts

The Informant

#134 - sneaking around cyberspace

When I first moved into my studio, I tried to get online, only to find that everyone in my building locked their wireless. For the first few days in Boise, I would ride my bike downtown and use the Internet in a wireless cafe. After the purchase of a smoothie and a banana, I would surf for about an hour, then start being physically productive. One morning though, I woke to find that one person in my building forgot to lock their wireless Internet. I mooched off that for about a week. It was glorious! I could wake up and check my mail, apply for jobs, and search for new music. I was hoping and hoping he wouldn't remember and block me out. Probably a new move in who just set it up...

Next thing I knew... the door was closed. I hit my old Internet cafe again, and actually found a couple other places where I wouldn't have to pay for food first. It wasn't so bad, I didn't miss the luxury too much. When ever I knew I would be driving around a lot, I would take my laptop and have it open in the passenger seat with the wireless scan open. If I glanced over and saw an unlocked network, I would pull over momentarily and check my mail, etc. I was diving around one particular time last Monday. I stopped in a neighborhood and saw an unlocked network titled "GET YOU'RE OWN!"... this guilted me into not using their wireless, but the feeling quickly dissipated when I found another unlocked network in the next neighborhood titled "Jon and Lisa's". They were nice and shared with me.

I recently went home to visit for the weekend and after I came home, what do we find? Hello friends. I'm in my pajamas. It's 10:00 at night. I'm listening to music. I'm tired. I'm home. And I'm ONLINE! Thank you new forgetter... thank you.

#133 - imagine

You can tell what having the time of my life does for my blog up-keep. Out of my usual routine, but here is a post for you! For the past 3 weeks, I have been loving life. I'm moved into my place, all set up and cozy. I really like it and the more and more I'm in it, doing my own independent thing, the more I like it. I've been enveloped in the par of Boise life: bike rides along the Green Belt (a beautifully scenic path along the Boise River), swimming in lakes, etc....

My friends here feel like they've been friends for life... This past weekend I went with said friends to a small town (Declo) where I dove down a 500 foot slip and slide, yee-hawed my voice away at a rodeo (complete with plaidish shirt and a belt buckle), and played all over mountains and boulders in City of Rocks.

IMAGINATION GAME:

If you're wondering what I'm doing out here... picture me standing alone in a large white room. Now, bing in a million people around me; smiling and hugging me. Now add a waterfall in the background. Now paint the room a happy yellow. Now add those thought bubbles above my head. Fill one with money to pay bills, fill another with a cute little space/studio of my own, fill another with a heart, fill another with a happy face. Now picture a phone in my hand talking to my loving, supportive family. That is Boise me...

#132 - the big two two

As part of my birthday celebrations, I went with six new friends to Stanley for camping and playing at the hot springs and Red Fish Lake. It's about a three hour drive and is not only a gorgeous scenic drive, but a stunning destination. We left Boise around 11 pm so didn't get to the site till around 1:30 am (we stopped a little before Stanley to camp, then drove the rest of the way on saturday). We stayed up until about 3:00 am, just talking and looking at the stars. I'm not a morning person for the first 10 minutes of being awake... but after that, it was great! Unfortunately, this first picture was unknowingly snapped during those ten minutes. We had a pretty good breakfast, took off for the hot springs, then spent the rest of the day, till about 5:30, at the lake.

A wonderful birthday: being surrounded by friends and nature; glorious weather, sunshine and water. I added an album to my photos if you want to see more.

#131 - friends to speak of

When I arrived in Boise a week ago friday, I didn't know anyone, had no friends and no connections. I went to church my first sunday to the wrong ward, so I didn't meet anyone that sunday either. Enter stage left: Monday.

Monday was my first FHE in my new ward. I began by calling the FHE co-chairs to get some information and I ended up talking with one (Toby) for a while on the phone as he got to know me and I got to know the ward through him. I drove to the activity with the other co-chair (Kim) so that I wouldn't get lost. When I arrived, I was perfectly whelmed by new friends asking me lots of questions and eager to get to know me. Every single person I talked to (and I talked to every single person) was pleasantly nice, including, loving, and excited to be my friend. They all remembered my name and wanted me to feel a part of the ward (which I did! In every sense of the word). We went floating down the Boise river and had smores at the park afterwards. I was invited back to a new friend's house to hang out and watch a movie. The most fun I've ever had as my first night in a new town. I was out that night till 2 AM and loved every minute. What was that I said about not having friends? I can't recall....

All the rest of last week was equally as glorious:

dates - out to breakfast - a dance - institute - late nights at ihop - never in before 2 AM - pool party - lunch with friends - the zoo - playing with family - staying up talking with friends.

My landlady even commented how I'm gone all day and only stop in for 5 minutes at a time before I'm off with someone else."I thought you didn't know anyone? How does someone make friends that fast..." And right when a friend came over for a bike ride, my landlady drove past in the parking lot, smiled and said, "Stop pretending to have so many friends!"

Did I mention I'm so glad I moved to Boise and how much I love it here? Because I am and I do.